by Lucy Spain, Patchogue Pennysaver Journal intern
Last week trendy New York hip-hop club W.T.F. saw a violent no-holds-barred brawl between the posses of rap poseurs Barney Fife and professional rival Gilligan. Many patrons were injured by flying glass from beer-bottle projectiles.
But it wasn’t the usual gangsta rivalry over who was more fly; rather the more mundane publicity ploy of fighting over a woman, in this case being the sultry siren Olive Oyl. Both rappers had dated Olive Oyl in the past.
In a highly publicized incident some years ago, Olive Oyl claimed that then-squeeze Gilligan had beat her up, and furnished lurid news photos to back up this press-worthy allegation. She secured an order of protection from Gilligan, publicly enhancing women’s rights to personal safety, while secretly continuing to date Gilligan.
Hoping to resurrect tepid careers, the W.T.F. Club brawl was played for maximum press impact, with 300-pound homeboys hurling beer bottles with wild and inaccurate abandon. Lawsuits have been filed against the W.T.F. Club by women who sustained injuries from flying glass. One injury reportedly took twelve stitches to close. An additional lawsuit is pending, awaiting clarification of whether being hit by a two bottles of beer satisfies a “two-drink minimum.”
A star athlete was also injured, which is important.
Reportedly, the fight was not started directly by Barney or Gilligan. Rumors abound. One possible lead being investigated by NYPD is that Aunt Bee from the Fife entourage stepped on the toe of Mrs. Howell of the Gilligan posse. Mr. Howell then raised his voice, saying “I’ll have a servant thrash you,” whereupon Floyd, the Fife barber, took out his straight razor. Mary Ann started to cry, and the Professor said, “One night Floyd might just be getting hisself run down by a bamboo car.” To quell the mounting disturbance, Ginger Grant effected a spectacular wardrobe malfunction, and it seemed that the danger was past.
However, Olive Oyl, finding herself “outgunned”, and seeing her carefully contrived publicity op slipping away, had to act. And so it was Olive Oyl herself who threw the first bottle.
It is not known if Barney Fife took his bullet from his pocket during the melee. Police are investigating both rappers and their management companies, as well as every person who has ever come into the W.T.F. Club.
Further W.T.F.Club altercations are in the pipeline, with a prospective reality show to be hosted by hip-hop legends Foghorn Leghorn and Dan (MC Tater) Quayle, a clothing line, and other spinoffs. The club expects to open as soon as public can be gotten to stop laughing.
Popeye was unavailable for comment. (UP/API)